Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
