So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
