why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
