You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Less talking, more tequila
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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