You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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