yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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