Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize