I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's shark week go big or go home
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
