I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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