My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just gargled with NyQuil
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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