Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
