My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
