I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
