I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
