I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
