In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize