If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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