i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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