i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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