so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All the doctor said was why
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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