We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
