I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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