I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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