I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Randomize
