Got a toothbrush?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize