I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
