Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
