The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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