Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize