Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
