I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
