Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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