capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
