I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
