I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
