How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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