maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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