my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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