I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
