if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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