I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
