im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize