Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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