i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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