How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
