I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
sarcasm needs its own font
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
