Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize