Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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