I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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