apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
where does the pee come out of this thing
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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