he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
