we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
