you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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