420 ftw
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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