The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
